Al fatihah untuk Bapak - 29 years ago

Latif Hariri

(Written 2009)

That evening at Taiping train station, Bapak kept on reminding me to pick him up at after the maghrib prayer, and to take care of Mak. “Your mother has sacrificed a lot for me,” he said. “And take care of your siblings too, he continued.

He kept on repeating them. As a teenager, I was nonchalant about his advice, to be honest. After all, he was only going to KL for a couple of days.

I was late in fetching him that evening, and by time I arrived, he was gone. I tried looking for him along the road from the train station to Sri Kota, but he was nowhere to be seen.

So I decided to return home. And upon arrival at home, I can see him sitting on the sofa with Aishah, who was then 8 month old, and his chubby brother Zali. He looked at me; so I pretended to regret that I did not get to pick him up, and asked him how he managed to get home.

He responded in a soft but firm tone, “I have told you to pick me up after magrib!” Mak who was in the kitchen chipped in, telling me that bapak walked all the way home from the train station.
 

I knew they were upset with me, so I decided to stay in my room that night all night.

That morning at dawn, I heard a commotion downstairs. I can hear Mak calling for me. I was still in a daze from my sleep, but went down nonetheless. “Bapak is unconscious. Call the next door neighbours for help." I saw bapak; he was still alive, but I can see that he was writhing in pain.

I am not sure who called for the ambulance; it could be me or the other siblings. I knew we can’t get him into the car, so we had to wait for the ambulance.

I took emergency leave that day; and called his elder brother Pak Long, his sister Mak Cak and my eldest sister K Sham, informing them that bapak is dying. I also made a direct call to his other brother Pak Lang in Australia using my office phone line. Everything was chaotic that day.

While we were waiting  at the ICU, Mak was allowed in by the Indian doctor to be by his side. She recited the surah ya seen, while at the times trying to recite the syahadah at his ear. He was still breathing heavily; and he gave responses everytime we touched his thumb. He could not speak, but it looked like he was responding to the syahadah.

I can only watch from other end of his bed.

I don’t remember if I was by his side when he passed away, but I reckon it happened at about 12 noon. I can still see with a tinge of sadness – and guilt – whenever I see my younger siblings’ faces especially Ata, Ashi, Fadhil, Farah, Zali and Aishah. They were still in primary school and innocent, not knowing what was happening to bapak – and them.

I am sorry, I am crying as I wrote this as I recall this and all my mistakes and sins to bapak, mak and the siblings.

It is not easy being the eldest at that point in time.

Again my apology, even though 25 (now 29) years have passed.

Rahman Hariri

Tonight  twenty nine years ago, he would not pay RM3 for his cab to take him from Taiping station to his home in Sri Kota, say 5km away. Or more likely that he could not afford to pay his cab, and hence would rather walk.

Tomorrow morning, 29 years ago, he was struggling with his life at Taiping Hospital, while his student son thousands of miles away was watching the marathon an Australian favourite Rob de Castella was supposed to win (but lost). I remember that afternoon – it was not a good feeling, but not knowing any better and not having a phone, I thought  that feeling was due to the loss of a sure gold for Australia. 

Tomorrow at noon 29 years ago, he left us all without saying good bye and to make it worse for me, I last saw him in February during the summer holiday that year i.e. more than 6 months earlier.

Tomorrow night 29 years ago, I got a call I dreaded the most from his bro Pak Lang in Sydney. A call I would not want to re-live. I was broken hearted at Dr Rayney's apartment - he immediately called Qantas and booked me a flight out the next day. I did not sleep the whole night while waiting for my flight.

The day after 29 years ago, I got onto that plane that took me back to KL (and eventually Taiping), practically sponsored by fellow students at Monash, but by then obviously it was too late even to pay my last respect.

Life and death; they are facts of life. One kind of expected them all the time. And yet when it happens, one can never prepare for it.

Alfatihah for bapak.

History repeats itself - Welcome home K Sham

You know 28 years ago, just days before Bapak passed away, he spent a couple of days in KL visiting his eldest brother who was going for Haj that year (1984).

He was naturally excited attending the doa selamat hosted by his brother in Ampang Jaya. He knew he could not afford to go to Makkah himself - not in his lifetime, anyway. He knew that; that's for sure. So that thanksgiving feast was perhaps the closest he would ever get to going there for Haj himself. I am sure he had been to many thanksgiving feasts given by those heading for Haj, but this one was different.

This was for his own big brother, his own flesh and blood; while he was not going himself, he was right in the middle of of the celebratory mood, and excitement generated by the Haj.

In all his excitement, during the days he was in KL, he didn't take his blood pressure medications. That is what we were told later.

So when he had to walk the 2.2 km journey from Taiping train station that fateful evening of 12 Aug 1984, after arriving back from Kuala Lumpur, something had to give the next day. He had a hypertensive attack that dawn, and he passed away in the afternoon on the 13 Aug 2012.

When I returned home from Melbourne, I managed to see his bro (my uncle Pak Long) on 15 Aug 2012, before taking the bus home to Taiping. Obviously with tears in his eyes, he would relate me the story of how bapak was so excited when he was in KL, noting that he would not be able to make that journey himself. I don't remember the details of this conversation anymore, nor the conversation I had at the end of the year 1984 when I returned (for the second time that year) other than that point.

I am sure there were stories told by Pak Lang about his haj trip immediately after the death of his own brother.

It is within this context that I told K Sham (at the ICU ward corridor) a day before Mak's eventual demise that her trip for Haj this year had its parallelism with that of Pak Long and bapak. Days before his eldest brother flew to Makkah, bapak passed away; twenty eight years later, days before her eldest daughter went for her haj, Mak passed away.

In my sister's case, three days later, to be precise (Mak passed away on the 16 Sept 2012, while she flew out to Makkah on 19 Sept 2012).

In a sense, I am not sure if there was anything to make from this two parallelism in our lives. I am not sure if it would be advantageous for the dead, if a close relative were to be in Makkah for haj, immediately after their death. Perhaps there was none. Perhaps there was. I don't know.

But I am sure the both of them would have benefited from having his eldest bro, and eldest daughter performing one of the pillars of Islam - the Haj. Being at the two holiest cities of Islam, and being a traveler (musafir), one can only think positively of one's ability to reach out to Him.

I am sure they would have had their prayers heard at Masjid Nabawi and right in front of the Kaaba. One can't get to holier sites than these two. 

Last night, I went to greet the two hujjaj coming back from Mekah at the KLIA. I have not had the opportunity to talk at length with my sis and brother-in-law as yet. I am not sure if she had any story to tell of Mak (or bapak) during the past 1 1/2 months she was in Makkah/Madinah, and I can't wait for all kind of stories one would get from our hujjaj.

KLIA 3 Nov 2012 at 2315 hours

Especially that of Mak.

Welcome home K Sham and Abang Jabar.

Lama tak jumpa. TUan Hj Jabar memeluk
anak bongsunya Madiha.

Raya doloe-doelo (The Eighties)

Raya in 1983 - the boys

Raya in the 80s are typically celebrated alone in my lecture hall at Monash.

Don't get me wrong; we would hold Solat Raya most likely at the Sport Centre as the praying room at the Religious centre would be too small to hold all of us at one go, even if we were to borrow the next door room from the Buddhist Society.

Yes, each major religion is accorded their own room with the Chapel at the centre of it, obviously. You are talking about Australia here and not Malaysia, so Islam and other religion had to play second or third fiddle. And after the solat, we would disperse to attend lab/lectures at our respective departments.

No kuih raya, or lemang on the 1st of Syawal. In fact, no one of my friends would even know of the existence of Raya in my department - well, sort of. It is business as usual for me.

But this entry is not about raya at Monash. I am too lazy to scan the old pictures from my album, so I would write an entry with ready-made scanned pictures.

Honestly, I am the last person who should be writing about this as I was not around, but being someone who like to write, I am sure bapak would have written me letters about raya celebration at home.

Alamak, budak-budak assalamualaikum dah datang!
Bukit Kerajaan 1983 - the road leading to our house, and the kids enjoying
themselves. I am reasonably sure they are only posing for this picture ;-)

In the 80s, Kuala Kangsar was our home, and by this time, we lived in the government quarters at Bukit Kerajaan, next to the Kuala Kangsar OCPD's house and the Malay College principal's house. We were in esteemed companies.

There was this one year (1981) that we Perakians celebrated Raya a day earlier than the rest of the country. The then Sultan Perak, Sultan Idris Shah decided to declare Hari Raya a day earlier (Aug 2) than the rest of the country; I believe after the Keeper of the Royal Seal had declared Aug 3, 1981 to be the Raya day for Malaysia.

It was a bewildering time for us. And living in the royal town itself would cause a great dilemma on whether to follow the Sultan, or the rest of the country. To make matter worse for us, Bukit Kerajaan is just a stone's throw away from the palace (which is located in Bukit Chandan).

That year, he (the Sultan) decided to follow the falak calculation, and because "ketupat dan rendang dah masak, alamat basilah kalau esok tak raya." Apparently people had been expecting the next day (Aug 2) to be Raya day - so they decided to start cooking Raya dishes, only to be told by the Keeper otherwise. It seems that the other excuse would be that he (the Sultan) refused to let his subjects fasting on the 1st of Syawal!

But bapak would not have any of these; the rationalization seems illogical to him, so the family - perhaps the only family in this royal town to be fasting, in solidarity with the rest in the nation. Yes, we were visited by many guests, and they were all treated as if it was Raya day, but were politely informed that the family is still fasting.

The boys enjoying themselves during Raya 83

I am not sure where Bapak and the kids had their solat raya - perhaps he performed the takbir and solat at home.

Apparently we were even visited by our cousin's family from Bagan Serai on the very first day. Wak, Mak Ngah, AbgNet and the rest of the family visited Bukit Kerajaan, and I guess they would have been surprised by the non-celebration at the Hariris. However, obviously, they were served raya dishes ( I guess whatever that was available, though I am not sure if it include ketupat, lemang and rendang or not.) Obviously they perhaps would be too embarrassed to eat in front of fasting persons, but bapak would not have anything with it. He would encouraged them to eat and eat and act as if he was celebrating one himself.

At least that what I was told by AbgNet when he read this entry.

These pictures above were taken in 1983, with the kids celebrating Raya day in Bukit Kerajaan in Kuala Kangsar. It was odd to say the least; for I don't think I would like to experience this in the new millennium. It made mockery of a religious festival, although to be honest, thirty years on, we have not really come to any close to settling the argument - one way or another.

The picture is bad, and this turned out to be our second last
Raya in Kuala Kangsar and the second last raya with bapak. There was another
raya in 1984 in KK, before moving back to Taiping.

Bersongket and bersampin and an attempt to
tie teh sampin ala P Ramlee. You should watch how
P Ramlee did it in Madu Tiga - to tie the sampin that
is (and not to marry three wives) LOL
He made it too easy!!

Our first Raya in Taiping and without bapak (bapak died a week
or so before this Raya Haji. I had the privilege then to take
this picture as I had taken an extended leave of absence from
my classes due to bapak's demise. This is Aug or early Sept 1984 ,
or 10 Zulhijjah to be precise.

Could this be Raya day with the patriarch Tok Adam? He is all dressed up.
Can you confirm AbgNet please? He passed away in 1986, so this could be sometime
in the 80s too.

The Paul Hogan Show

As I have said before, in between studies, during the 80s, I love to browse the Humanity LIbrary as it has a rare book collections and of course music. (Cop, to be honest, it was in between usrah too may be.)

But I did study at home, like when I was too tired to go to the library (the Monash campus is about 10-15 mins walk from my house). Well, tired would be an excuse I guess; it's more likely that there was this TV show I would not want to miss during those days.

I used to have a small cassette recorder cum radio on the left of my table and an old 20 inch Black-and-white telly on the right that would be my companion during those days. When you were bored with the Bernoulli's Equation, my eyes would turn to the telly to refresh my mind.

One show that was very popular during those days was the Paul Hogan Show, obviously of the Crocodile Dundee fame to many. But The Paul Hogan Show was the reason Paul Hogan was a star in Australia in those days; long before Hollywood could not resist the charms of Paul Hogan, and so Crocodile Dundee was born.

To me he was more successful than Mr Bean, who can be quite gross actually. ;-)

Paul Hogan was never gross.

One thing I love this show in the old days is the parodies of well known shows or series (ala Naked Gun 2 1/2 starring Leslie Nielsen, but do note that Naked Gun was in the 90s!). After all, what else in term of entertainment did we have in the 80s? He would never failed to light up the small screen with his antics, and I would almost always sporting a smile.

And you would never got bored with the show as it had many sketches that would keep up glued and would at least bring a smile.

Some would compare him with the Benny Hill show as both would feature attractive ladies in revealing attire, but I think the Paul Hogan show is a bit more decent and would only use the ladies sparingly. Well, sort of!

To me it was the parodies that got me hooked long before Crocodile Dundee. Apparently it got LInda Kozlowski hooked up too!

According to the Wiki, the show ran from 1973 to 1984.

He would never failed to at least to light up those dreary days.

Here is the SWAT comedy sketch. You can always trust your SWAT Team. You think they have any resemblance to the local you know who?

I would prefer to have Capt Leo Wanker patrolling my neighbourhood anytime actually.

How this one? Starring one Clunk Eastwood as Dirty Giusseppe. I love (or should I say shock with) the Sound of Music scene and then with him cooly blabbering "I asked for Sophia Loren."

Ala Clint Eastwood - "Go ahead. Make my day!"

Pure classic!

But the last scene when he starts to shoot at the audience - it was exactly what happened during a 3D cowboy movie that I saw in 1981/85. As I have said before, I thought that that 3D cowboy movie was the best 3D movie that I had ever seen as you were part of the scene.

Much like the scene during this sketch, and it was more real as the bullets would be flying by you.

If you didn't find the clip funny, I would attribute it to either than you are so sophisticated and hard to please or that life was very simply then, so jokes were a bit stale. And I am very sure the term politically correct would be foreign to us then.

And this one from Crocodile Dundee.

Obviously Paul Hogan is an Ozzie legend.

Tangisan kasih

Aah, I never thought I would be able to listen to this fav of mine ever again.

I mean, after buying her compilation album about a year ago, and listening to the two CDs, all the sudden I remember that there was this particular song that was missing from the compilation. It was much later that I realized this song was recorded under a different label.

I love this song especially as she sounds like she was crying with her husky voice. I thought it was really a great performance from this then rookie singer. She did not really have the look, but man, did she have a voice then.

Obviously she went on to greater thing with her next label and composers like M Nasir would chipped in.

But still, this song reigned supreme in my mind in 1984. Twenty five years on, nothing has changed.

My heart still would skip a beat when I listen to this song. I thought my eyes would shed a tears or two. You would feel it for her.

Have I told you that I just love this song?

EPILOGUE

Aah, aku tidak pernah terfikir akan bisa mendengarkan lagu kegemaran aku kembali.

Maksudku, selepas membeli album kompilasi nya sekitar setahun yang lalu, dan mendengar dua CD, tiba-tiba aku teringat bahawa ada satu lagu ini yang tiada dalam album kompilasi ini. Kemudiannya aku menyedari bahawa lagu ini dirakam dibawah label yang berbeza.

Aku suka lagu ini terutama kerana kedengaranhnya seperti dia menangis dengan suaranya yang serak-serak basah. Ku pikir itu benar-benar sebuah prestasi yang luar biasa dari penyanyi baru ini. Dia tidak lah memiliki mempunyai wajah yang pada pandangan mataku cantik, tetapi ahh, suaranya begitu merdu sekali.

Jelas dengan bakat tersebut, beliau mampu meneruskan ke arah yang lebih besar dengan label dan komposer selepasnya seperti M Nasir ikut menyumbangkan lagunya kepada beliau.

Tapi tetap saja, lagu ini mendapat tempat tertinggi dalam minda fikiran ku pada tahun 1984. Dua puluh lima tahun kemudian, tiada yang berubah.

Hatiku masih akan berdetak ketika aku mendengar lagu ini. Aku pikir mataku akan menitiskan air mata. Anda akan merasakannya.

Sudahkah aku katakan padamu bahawa aku sukakan lagu ini?

I'm a fool to want you

I was mesmerized when I heard the latest Chanel No 5 advert.

You read that right! When I HEARD the advert. On the telly, mind you.

It is to the tune of a familiar song that caught my attention, though the vocal is not a voice I am familar with.

Don't get me wrong; I thought it was a catchy advert. The scene and scenery was breathtaking to say the least. It is the stuff romance is made of - the Orient Express, the tunnel and the arch bridge. I should not comment much on the actor/actress or the models, if you must, in it. The model was not up to my standard, to be honest, but then again, what do I know about casting, right?

It is also stuff murder is made of - Agatha Christie's style.

Here is the advert again.

But what I would like to highlight is this is one song I have been listening to at night, coming back from the harsh working environment at Perak Hanjoong Simen in mid 80s, and I have known this song from my uni days circa 84-85. Her voice is so soothing.

The orchestra, helmed by Nelson Riddle, was fantastic and Linda Ronstadt's voice was simply awesome and full of bodies. I can listen to this over and over again 25 years on. How I would melt over and over again if she would sing it for me! ;-)

The arrangement showcased the voice beautifully. YOu can immersed yourself in her voice, and yet still able to listen to each one of the instrument; the piano, the viola, the horn section. Wonderful.

I'm a fool to want you
I'm a fool to want you
TO want a love that can't be true
A love that's there for others too

I'm a fool to hold you
Such a fool to hold you
To seek a kiss not mine alone
To share a kiss the devil has known

Time and time again, I said I'd leave you
Time and time again, I went away
But then would come a time
When I would need you
And once again these words I have to say

I'm a fool to want you
Pity me I need you
I know it is wrong - it must be wrong
But right or wrong,
I can't get along
without you

But here is the version by Billie Holiday as used in the advert. She sounds so painful to be honest though it is a pleasure to listen to her too. While I have always been a fan of Linda Ronstadt, I would give credit to Billie Holiday for this 1950s version. The arrangement is great too.

She sends shivers down my spine. She sounds like she was in pain. Frank Sinatra has a hand in writing this song though his version to me is forgetful.

I did not realize that the 'you' in this song was really a fragrant! ;-)

EPILOGUE

Listening to both I am a fool to want you and What's New, I was transported to another era and another equally haunting song, of course this remake was by Linda Ronstadt and The Nelson Riddle Orchestra. Both of song I am a fool and the one below When your lover has gone are songs from her Lush Life Album.

If only Arif and Akmal would one day produce this kind of work, I would be extremely proud. Never mind Mozart or Beethoven. That's why I thought the Lush Life album is one album I would take with me if I am stranded on a deserted island.

When Your Lover has Gone

What good is the scheming, the planning, the dreaming
that come with each new love affair
The love that you cherish,
so often may perish
and leave you with castle in air

Aah, what a voice, and what an era. Err, never mind the lyrics of both song OK. It may have some negativity in it, but I guess they are reflections of the time they were written . If I may term the 40s and the 50s as the romantic era, with apologies to the real romantic era of classical music.

Here is what I found in Wikipedia.

The album was released in 1958. Says Ray Ellis (composer/arranger), "I would say that the most emotional moment was her listening to the playback of "I'm a fool to want you" There were tears in her eyes...It wasn't until I heard the final mix a few weeks later that I realized how great her performance really was."

And I thought I would never see her again..

in the full splendour and glory of the song and the video clip, as I saw them in 1983.

I have been posting about this song (you can read it here) and mainly it was her singing live with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra. I love this song so much that I keep on re-posting thinking that I have not done so.

But for some reasons, I can't find the real video as I knew it then until today.

Aah, thank you Youtube. Thanks you for the person uploading. Been looking for this for years and suddenly today, here she is

She was born to sing this 1939 song.

Actually, upon further mulling, I didn't actually see the full splendour of this song back in 1983. I was expecting a B&W version of this video clip ala Casablanca. But then again, my memory was playing the trick on me.

My TV during those years is a B&W telly, so I could only be seeing this clip in B&W!

So it was an anti-climax for me to see them in colour. I still prefer if the video is b&w.

I also wrote the following on June 20, 2007.

"The video also features Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in the B&W Casablanca, so it is always nostalgic to see the clip."

There was no Ingrid Bergman nor Humphrey Bogart in this video clip and there was no Casablanca. Only Linda Ronstadt and an unknown actor reprising the roles. See how memories can play the trick on you!

Doa untuk bapak

I did not plan to write a tribute for father's day actually.

After all, bapak died 24 years ago, and no matter what I write in my blog, nothing would change with or without a tribute to him. Words can be cheap, I must admit, and I would have to think hard when was the last time I recite the surah Yaasin for his soul!

I am guilty; oh so guilty.

Until this morning while I was driving to meet Peter at Le Meridien with Klasik Nasional hot on airing songs as a tribute to all the dads in Malaysia. And then the song Doa untuk Ayah by Rina Rahman was filling the airwaves in my car.

Suddenly I was overwhelmed by emotion; the song is a very sad song. It is a fitting tribute to him on this day meant for us to remember his role in shaping our lives. I thought then I have to write a word or two. Yes, it has been a long time since I last saw him alive and talked to him. There was no goodbye. All of the sudden, he was gone.

I have difficulty trying to dig more stories I can think of him. After all, I didn't spent my high school time at home and not my university years anyway; so whatever time left that I had spent with him at home is fast fading away. May be as the years go by I would be able to write a story or two about him.

My biggest regret is the fact that I have lost all the letters he wrote to me while I was in Australia. I had it with me up to the year prior to my assignment to Houston and then it disappeared. Dad would write to me without fail monthly.

And I have lost them all.

Well, on this day, I would like to remember him. Of a big guy with a songkok on his head without fail. Of his deeds and advice and how he led his life.

I am sorry, bapak, for I am not the pious son that you deserved. I do wish I am, but deep in me I know I am not and that you would be disappointed in me if you are still alive today.

"Ya Allah, cucuri lah rahmatMu keatas ruhnya, dan masukkan dia kedalam golongan orang-orang yang engkau redhai. Rahmatilah dia sebagaimana dia telah menjaga kami semua semasa kami kecil dulu."

Alfatihah.

EPILOGUE

I can't seems to find the lyric. But I am posting them here and will update once I have the full lyric of the song by Rina Rahman

Walau telah lama

kau hilang dimata

---

Didikan dan kemanjaan

kau curahkan pada ku

bagai sinar alam maya

menyuluh jalan hidupku

--

tiap solat ku iringkan doa restu